Slowly, I walk, to the beat of the waves
As they crash into the forgiving ground.
My footsteps mark my every move
As I sink into the drenched sand.
The sun sits heavily on the ocean's skin of sparkles.
The breeze lifts my hair from my shoulders.
Looking down, I see the perfect impressions of my feet
Left behind to define an isolated trail.
I listen and hear nothing but the precious breeze
And an occasional seagull calling for its desire:
To be free, to fly, to run away.
This is no place for a runaway,
With the trails one can leave behind.
Any suggestions about anything please do tell, I'm in desperate need of help!
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5 comments:
Forgiving ground- great word choice.
the impresstions of feet and footsteps repetition- I don't really like this repetition. It is a short poem and using the same idea isn't very affective to me.- The ending about trails is good but mentioning it twice in the poem the way you have it isn't "good" to me.
ok jen . i think this could be a strong piece if you looked at the word choice a little more . ex. change lifts to something more unique and unexpected.
'The sun sits heavily on the ocean's skin of sparkles.' - i personally think it would work good if you took out 'of sparkles' - i think it would sound better
i also dont think the word drenched works in this context - maybe 'wet concrete' or something similar to signify the impression your feet leave? maybe. idk.
again - the whole idea is good - i just think the first 2 1/2 stanzas need work ... the last 1 1/2 are good :)
I agree about taking out "of sparkles" it would sound great :)
but i also disagree with Shay about the repetition. It's not really repetition because in the first part you are stating that your feet are leaving footprints in the sand and in the second part you can looking at these prints.
I think you should look at word choice, definitely. Try changing words like "lifts," "perfect," and "precious" to more concrete images.
I think the breeze line would sound cool like this..
"The breeze reaches for my hair"
or something.
As for a title, i'm stumped for now. But I'll think of a few suggestions and i'll comment again.
Ok unlike the other comments the line "the sun sits heavily on the ocean's skin of sparkles" is by far my favorite line in the poem. I could just see the ocean in my head.
My favorite lines:
Looking down, I see the perfect impresions of my feet
Left behind to define an isolated trail.
Those are very strong lines. I feel like there is more to this poem than what you have written... Still, very good.
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